20WaysIn20Days

But Out

Claire empowerment, Fallen, the Adventures of a Deep Water Leaf, transformation , , , , ,
But Out

20 Ways to Change Your Story

3. But Out

I’m grateful to KC Miller of the Southwest Institute of Healing Arts for teaching and modeling this one. She is a master of this practice. Since learning this technique from her many years ago, I have become more aware of the “buts” that slip into my story. I’m better at catching them than I used to be, but I’ll never be as good at it as KC and I’m not yet as good at it as KC, so this post will be a great reminder for me.

The idea is to eliminate “but” from your vocabulary and replace it with the word “and”.

Why would you want to do that?

Because “but” is a show stopper. “But” is the wet blanket on the spark of your potential. It creates either/or scenarios and rules out both/and. “But” negates, disempowers, and limits your possibilities. It is a self-defeating word.

Look at these stories, for example:

  • I would love to go on a beach vacation, BUT I don’t have the time or money for it.
  • I want to be a fill-in-the-blank, BUT I just don’t have the skills.
  • I’d like to raise my rates, BUT nobody would pay me that much.
  • I really admire so-and-so, BUT I could never be more like him/her.
  • I want to lose some weight, BUT that cake is really calling my name.

What’s the common thread in all these stories? The true desire expressed in the first half of the statement is totally ruled out and dismissed by what follows the “but”. The “but” closes the door on the first half of the sentence. It leaves you stuck with the self-defeating story in the second half of the sentence.

ButOutWatch what happens when we replace “but” with “and”.

  • I would love to go on a beach vacation, AND I don’t have the time or money for it.
  • I want to be a fill-in-the-blank, AND I just don’t have the skills.
  • I’d like to raise my rates, AND nobody would pay me that much.
  • I really admire so-and-so, AND I could never be more like him/her.
  • I want to lose some weight, AND that cake is really calling my name.

Do you see how the story changes and the possibilities open up by replacing “but” with “and”? Both parts of the sentence now hold more equal weight. Instead of either/or (with the second half of the sentence winning the contest), there’s room for both/and. The first part still seems possible. The second part feels more like a challenge to be met or a problem to be solved than a permanent road block.

Want to make these statements even more empowering?

Take a good look at the supposed limiting factor in the second half of each statement. Is it really true? (Hint: even if it is ‘true’, that doesn’t mean you have to believe it. See “Stop Sticking to Stories That Don’t Serve You“.) Can you rephrase it in a more positive light? Are there steps you can take to make it less true?

Try replacing the “and” with “so” and reframing the challenge as a solution.

  • I would love to go on a beach vacation, SO I’m going to ask for a raise and put in for the vacation time I’ve earned.
  • I want to be a fill-in-the-blank, SO I’m going to check out the new certification program being offered.
  • I’d like to raise my rates, SO, because I know I’m worth it, I’m going to find clients who can afford me.
  • I really admire so-and-so, SO I’m going to start adopting some of his/her habits.
  • I want to lose some weight, SO, if I decide to eat that cake, I may need to eat salad for dinner tonight or add some time to my gym workout this evening.

Start your own But Out practice by training your brain to catch you whenever you use the word “but” in conversation. Right then and there, in the course of your conversation, back up and replace that “but” with “and”. Later on, you can do some reframing in your Story Diary. Over time, you will begin to let go of your “buts” more and more. “And” and “so” will come more naturally. You’ll begin to see more possibilities and fewer limitations.

And So . . . But Out!

You’ve got nothing to lose but your self-limiting stories.

~~~~~
This is the 4th post in a 21-post series sparked by Chapter 9 of Fallen, The Adventures of a Deep Water Leaf, in which Lizard suggests that Alora change her story.
#20WaysIn20Days, #ChangeYourStory, #Fallen

Stop Sticking to Stories That Don’t Serve You

Claire empowerment, Fallen, the Adventures of a Deep Water Leaf, transformation , , ,
Stop Sticking to Stories That Don’t Serve You

20 Ways to Change Your Story

2. Stop Sticking to Stories That Don’t Serve You

Shit happens. Let’s face it. You do not have complete control over everything that happens around you, much as you might like to. You might feel like your story is happening TO you and that there’s nothing you can do about it.

Like Alora in Fallen, you might say, “But it’s True! That’s what really happened! It’s not a story; it’s my life!”

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!

As Dr. Phil would say, “How’s that working for you?”

One of the most powerful, if slightly counterintuitive, bits of wisdom I’ve ever heard comes from Bill Harris, the founder of Centerpointe Research Institute and inventor of Holosync technology.

Bill teaches that we can choose our beliefs. On deciding which beliefs to choose he says, “Evaluating beliefs based on whether they’re ‘true’ or ‘false’ isn’t helpful . . . conscious, happy people evaluate beliefs based on whether or not they’re resourseful.” In other words, they choose the beliefs that best help them to thrive regardless of where they fall on the truth meter.

Replace the word “beliefs” with “stories” and you might see where I’m going with this. You want to choose the stories that work for you, not against you.

Here’s the thing. Whatever your current story is:

  • “I’ll always be fat.”
  • “I’ll never be wealthy.
  • “I’m stuck with this job that I hate.”
  • “He/She has ruined my life.”
  • “I’m too old (or it’s too late) to fill-in-the-blank.”
  • “No one loves me.”
  • “I couldn’t possibly fill-in-the-blank.”

Whatever the story is that you’re sticking to, your mind will work 24/7 to make that story ‘true’, or at least to make it feel ‘true’ to you. You’ll attract more and more evidence and experience to support the ‘truth’ of your story. Or you’ll filter all of your experiences through the lens of your current story, focusing on everything that supports it as ‘true’ and ignoring anything that contradicts it. Your story becomes a self-perpetuating feedback loop. So to decide that you have to believe your current story because it’s ‘true’ is to claim that story as your ongoing reality.

How much more powerful would it be to choose a story – and believe it – based on what you’d like your life to be instead of what’s ‘true’?

It was ‘true’ a few centuries ago that humans couldn’t fly. Until the Wright Brothers (and others) chose to believe that humans COULD fly and set about making that new story ‘true’. Once flight was first achieved, it wasn’t all that long before humans were flying into space and landing on the moon.
Orville Wrights Test His Gilder at Kitty Hawk, NC - GPN-2002-000127
Now, the Wright Brothers did believe in gravity. Gravity was a ‘true’ story. They couldn’t choose for gravity to not exist. But they didn’t believe in its limitations to flight. In their story, they could fly in spite of gravity. And you can, too, when you choose the stories that serve you instead of the ones that limit you.

So, I’m not saying that nothing is ‘true’ or that what’s ‘true’ doesn’t matter. I am saying that we often take something that happened in our lives, or some of the givens of our current situation, something ‘true’, and we add all kinds of made-up, self-limiting, disempowering stories to it. Those additional stories trip us up and lead us to create less-than-stellar experiences for ourselves.

We’ve all got history, and we’ve all got current circumstances, but we don’t have to believe that those things are limitations, keeping us trapped in a life that is smaller than we desire or deserve.

Check out this Yes I Can 2016 Paralympics Promo video. All of these folks could have let the ‘truth’ of their bodies become limitations. But they didn’t. They said, “Yes I can.” And then they did.

Here’s the thing: Whatever is going on in your life, it IS your story. And you can choose to stick to it if you like . . . OR you can choose to write it differently. No matter what you may be experiencing, you remain the author of your own story, the dreamer of your own dream.

Yes, there may be things in your past that you just can’t change. They happened. They’re done. But you can change the lens you choose to view them through. You can forgive. You can look for the gifts gained from the experience. You can release all the made-up stories you’ve added on to what has been. You can let go and face forward. You can stop playing victim to the past and become the hero of your own story in the present.

You can fly.

That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it!

~~~~~

This is the 3nd post in a 21-post series sparked by Chapter 9 of Fallen, The Adventures of a Deep Water Leaf, in which Lizard suggests that Alora change her story.

#20WaysIn20Days, #ChangeYourStory, #Fallen