story

Don’t Should Yourself

Claire empowerment, Fallen, the Adventures of a Deep Water Leaf, transformation , , , , 0 Comment
Don’t Should Yourself

20 Ways to Change Your Story

4. Don’t Should Yourself

78144549 - man with gas mask is holding stinky sock - unpleasant smell concept

When you should yourself, you create a story that really stinks.

Just like the word “but” in the previous post, I’m going to suggest that you eliminate “should” from your vocabulary. And while you’re at it, eliminate these related words too:

  • should / shouldn’t
  • have to / can’t
  • must / mustn’t

What do all these words have in common?

Not one of them leaves any room for choice. And choice is where your power lies.

It’ll be no big surprise, then, when I tell you that the key to rewriting “should”, “have to” and “can’t” stories is to replace and reframe them with choice stories. Replace those stinky words with some form of the verb “choose” and you’ll have a new and improved story that smells like freedom.

~~~

I really should go to bed; it’s getting late.

becomes

I choose to go to bed because it’s getting late.

OR

I choose to stay up for a while even though it’s getting late.

~~~

I can’t go to the party tonight. I have to visit my mom.

becomes

As much as I’d love to go to the party, I’m choosing to honor my promise to visit my mom tonight.

OR

Even though tonight’s my usual night to visit my mom, I’m choosing to reschedule my visit with her in order to go to the party.

~~~

In both of the above scenarios, either of the reframed options is fine and you are free to choose which option is the most resourceful and feels best to you. You are no longer trapped in a stinky pile of “should”.

Now, you may be thinking, “but, there ARE things I should do or have to do – I have to go to work, I have to take care of my kids.” (or fill in the blank with your own “have to”.)

I would argue that, short of breathing, there really are no “have tos”. Even breathing is a choice when you really look at it. You could choose not to breathe and find a way to make that happen. Of course, the consequences would be fairly drastic – you would die. Any choice leads to consequences and it’s up to you to decide which consequences you’re willing to accept. That decision may involve considering and balancing your values, priorities and goals.

So, exercise your free will and make choices. Regardless of whether you decide go to bed or stay up late, go to the party or visit your mom, you’ll feel a lot better about your choice when you leave the stink of “should” far behind you.

~~~~~

This is the 5th post in a 21-post series sparked by Chapter 9 of Fallen, The Adventures of a Deep Water Leaf, in which Lizard suggests that Alora change her story.

#20WaysIn20Days, #ChangeYourStory, #Fallen

But Out

Claire empowerment, Fallen, the Adventures of a Deep Water Leaf, transformation , , , , , 1 Comment
But Out

20 Ways to Change Your Story

3. But Out

I’m grateful to KC Miller of the Southwest Institute of Healing Arts for teaching and modeling this one. She is a master of this practice. Since learning this technique from her many years ago, I have become more aware of the “buts” that slip into my story. I’m better at catching them than I used to be, but I’ll never be as good at it as KC and I’m not yet as good at it as KC, so this post will be a great reminder for me.

The idea is to eliminate “but” from your vocabulary and replace it with the word “and”.

Why would you want to do that?

Because “but” is a show stopper. “But” is the wet blanket on the spark of your potential. It creates either/or scenarios and rules out both/and. “But” negates, disempowers, and limits your possibilities. It is a self-defeating word.

Look at these stories, for example:

  • I would love to go on a beach vacation, BUT I don’t have the time or money for it.
  • I want to be a fill-in-the-blank, BUT I just don’t have the skills.
  • I’d like to raise my rates, BUT nobody would pay me that much.
  • I really admire so-and-so, BUT I could never be more like him/her.
  • I want to lose some weight, BUT that cake is really calling my name.

What’s the common thread in all these stories? The true desire expressed in the first half of the statement is totally ruled out and dismissed by what follows the “but”. The “but” closes the door on the first half of the sentence. It leaves you stuck with the self-defeating story in the second half of the sentence.

ButOutWatch what happens when we replace “but” with “and”.

  • I would love to go on a beach vacation, AND I don’t have the time or money for it.
  • I want to be a fill-in-the-blank, AND I just don’t have the skills.
  • I’d like to raise my rates, AND nobody would pay me that much.
  • I really admire so-and-so, AND I could never be more like him/her.
  • I want to lose some weight, AND that cake is really calling my name.

Do you see how the story changes and the possibilities open up by replacing “but” with “and”? Both parts of the sentence now hold more equal weight. Instead of either/or (with the second half of the sentence winning the contest), there’s room for both/and. The first part still seems possible. The second part feels more like a challenge to be met or a problem to be solved than a permanent road block.

Want to make these statements even more empowering?

Take a good look at the supposed limiting factor in the second half of each statement. Is it really true? (Hint: even if it is ‘true’, that doesn’t mean you have to believe it. See “Stop Sticking to Stories That Don’t Serve You“.) Can you rephrase it in a more positive light? Are there steps you can take to make it less true?

Try replacing the “and” with “so” and reframing the challenge as a solution.

  • I would love to go on a beach vacation, SO I’m going to ask for a raise and put in for the vacation time I’ve earned.
  • I want to be a fill-in-the-blank, SO I’m going to check out the new certification program being offered.
  • I’d like to raise my rates, SO, because I know I’m worth it, I’m going to find clients who can afford me.
  • I really admire so-and-so, SO I’m going to start adopting some of his/her habits.
  • I want to lose some weight, SO, if I decide to eat that cake, I may need to eat salad for dinner tonight or add some time to my gym workout this evening.

Start your own But Out practice by training your brain to catch you whenever you use the word “but” in conversation. Right then and there, in the course of your conversation, back up and replace that “but” with “and”. Later on, you can do some reframing in your Story Diary. Over time, you will begin to let go of your “buts” more and more. “And” and “so” will come more naturally. You’ll begin to see more possibilities and fewer limitations.

And So . . . But Out!

You’ve got nothing to lose but your self-limiting stories.

~~~~~
This is the 4th post in a 21-post series sparked by Chapter 9 of Fallen, The Adventures of a Deep Water Leaf, in which Lizard suggests that Alora change her story.
#20WaysIn20Days, #ChangeYourStory, #Fallen