grief

I am the Wiz Kid

Claire dreams, grief, journaling , , , , ,

This is PART FOUR of a series. To start from the beginning, go here.

This is an excerpt from The Deep Water Leaf Society: Harnessing the Transformative Power of Grief (copyright 2008, Claire M. Perkins. All Rights Reserved.)

from chapter 13: Voices from the Big Wave

(I am highlighting one of these dialogues in each post of this series. The questions of the dominant hand are noted (DH) and the answers of the images, transcribed by my non-dominant hand, are noted (NDH).)

5/24/04 Dialogue with the Boy in Blue

Me (DH): Hello little boy in blue – who are you?

Boy (NDH): I am the Wiz Kid.

(DH): Hello, Wiz Kid. What is it you are up to?

(NDH): Magic. Alchemy. Transformation.

(DH): I see. That sounds exciting! How do you feel?

(NDH): Anticipation.

(DH): Anticipation? What is it you expect?

(NDH): Great things. Growth.

(DH): It looks to me like you are feeding something to the swimmers in the bowl. What is it?

(NDH): Wisdom in small doses. Only what can be handled at any given time.

(DH): And who are the swimmers?

(NDH): Look. There are 3.

(DH): Yes, there are 3. Is one of them me?

(NDH): At least one, yes. At least.

(DH): Are they all me, then?

(NDH): All you – all me – all one.

(DH): You are very cryptic – mysterious. What can I do for you?

(NDH): Play the game. Dance, laugh, grow.

(DH): What gift or wisdom do you bring to me?

(NDH): Vision.

This dialogue left me puzzled and curious. Through the image of the Wiz Kid and the words he said, I felt connected to the side of Cameron that was always so curious and creative, the side of him that somehow seemed to know more than I did despite all appearances to the contrary. I felt uplifted by the idea that some powerful transformation was just around the corner for me. The three swimmers in the bowl had made me think of the karmic triangle that Cameron, David and I had always seemed to form, so I was surprised that the meaning was deeper and more mysterious than that. The dialogue reminded me that I could keep living and growing and enjoying life, and that this loss could lead to wisdom and vision if I allowed it to.
~~

to be continued . . .

As always, I welcome your comments here or by email ([email protected])

Visit my website: www.DeepWaterLeafSociety.com

I am what calls out for love . . .

Claire grief , ,

This is PART TWO of a series. To start from the beginning, go here.

This is an excerpt from The Deep Water Leaf Society: Harnessing the Transformative Power of Grief (copyright 2008, Claire M. Perkins. All Rights Reserved.)

from chapter 13: Voices from the Big Wave

Between funeral arrangements and a steady stream of visitors, some weeks passed before I got around to dialoguing with The Big Wave collage images.

The process of journaling dialogue with images involves writing with both hands. My dominant hand, the one I normally write with, speaks for my conscious self and asks questions of the images. My non-dominant hand answers the questions, speaking for the image.

It is an amazing process that works because the non-dominant hand has direct access to the right hemisphere of the brain, where intuition, emotion and spiritual connection reside. It was an awkward process at first. Once I got used to it and allowed the non-dominant hand to just write, uncensored by the critical voice or the logic of the left brain, I found that amazing insights would arise.

I sat down to dialogue with the images in the Big Wave collage toward the end of May, several weeks after Cameron’s death. I was wiped out, emotionally and physically. I was searching for answers to that unanswerable question, “Why?” It took me two days, several days apart, to dialogue with each and every image in the collage. The messages they gave me were profound and brought me much needed peace and healing.

(I am highlighting one of these dialogues in each post of this series. The questions of the dominant hand are noted (DH) and the answers of the images, transcribed by my non-dominant hand, are noted (NDH).)

5/24/04 Dialogue with Baby in the Galvanized Tub

Me (DH): Hello little boy being bathed – who are you?

Baby (NDH): I am what calls out for love, for nurturing. I am content with simple things. I am well loved.

(DH): Do you have a name?

(NDH): My name is Earth Child.

(DH): Earth Child, how do you feel?

(NDH): I am sad for the mother who loves me so but thinks that she hasn’t enough to give.

(DH): Why do you feel this way?

(NDH): Because love is all I have ever needed. She cries for me but doesn’t see she’s given me the greatest gift of all.

(DH): But you live in poverty. She doesn’t know how she will feed you. Your life expectancy is so short. She bathes you in gutter water. The city is full of disease. She cries for the you that could have been – that should have been. She cries for not knowing how to heal you.

(NDH): She loves me. That is all. That is enough.

(DH): What can I do for you?

(NDH): Don’t become cold. Never give up on the power of love.

(DH): What gift or wisdom do you bring me?

(NDH): I show you the power of your heart.

The grieving and broken-hearted part of me was angry with the idea the love was enough. How could it be enough when my son’s life had been cut so short, when he had faced such difficulty despite my loving him? I argued with the photo in its own terms – gutter water and Third World poverty – but what my heart was really crying out was that in the midst of plenty, in the midst of middle-class white-bread suburbia, with every opportunity and all the love I could give, my son was still dead at the age of 26. How could love be enough? But the child in the photo insisted that it was and some part of me opened up to receive that message.
~~

to be continued . . .

As always, I welcome your comments here or by email ([email protected])

Visit my website: www.DeepWaterLeafSociety.com